I Turn My Camera On

“I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses… taking pictures of your feet.” – Scarlett Johannson as Charlotte in Lost in Translation.

I’m not a photographer, and I’m not good with the camera either. It’s one of those things I just don’t have the talent for.

But I do love photography.

I’m not great with art. I don’t know how to judge a painting, it’s all too confusing for me. I’m not really into sculptures either, unless the really obviously beautiful ones, like Michaelangelo’s David.

But I am always drawn to photography. I know how to tell if a “picture’s worth a thousand words”.

And ever since my writer’s block started, I suspected that I might be depressed, or stressed, or something. I can’t seem to express myself in writing, but I can express myself with images.

Lots and lots of images.

My mom – who is also my part-time therapist – advised me to make a collage, since she learned when she was getting her Master’s in Psychology that making collages are therapeutic.

And since I can’t actually take decent photographs (my hands tend to shake), I decided on the next best thing, grabbing photos off the internet.

I have to thank sites like FFFFound! and numerous photo blogs for helping me in my quest of self-healing, because through these sites, I found so many photographs that I am strangely drawn to – and after I put them together in various collages, I realize that they all have a common theme.

Gloom and doom.

That’s what my mom said anyway. I showed her my collages and she said, “Yep, you’re gloomy all right. Look at these photographs. You always choose these gloomy hues. Not the bright, fun ones.”

Great. So I guess I can’t write because I’m depressed.

I have battled depression for years and years and so far I’ve been able to manage it quite well, but every now and then – it does come back to bite me in the ass, and lately, it’s been one of those days.

So what do I do?

Well, I take some anti-depressants (fuck off, Tom Cruise!) and try to get myself back to  normal.

I have to admit creating the collage does help a little. I’ve stored so many photographs in my hard drive, I think my computer’s a little tired now.

Will these collages help me write again?

I don’t know. I hope so.

Maybe one day I’ll make sense of them – and maybe they’ll make a great story or two.

Maybe.