A Guide To Recognizing Your Vampires

When Buffy The Vampire Slayer premiered on the WB in 1997, our love affair with vampires were reignited and for a few years, most notably after Angel’s exit to star in his own spin-off series, we were torn between Team Angel and Team Spike. Just so you know, I’m on Team Spike. Buffy and Spike FTW. 🙂

But then Buffy was canceled in 2003 and about a year later, its spin-off Angel followed suit. And our love affair with these nocturnal, bloodsucking creatures slowly fizzled and replaced by the non-supernaturals like surgeons and crime scene investigators. However, somewhere deep inside of our hearts, we still kept a candle burning for men (and women) with fangs… and hoped that one day, they would make a comeback.

Luckily for our fang-bangin’ hearts, they did make a comeback. Oh did they ever! Thanks to Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, the vampires returned to the big and small screens with a vengeance. And even though I detest all things Twilight, I have to say a silent thank you to the fandemonium that reignited our love for all things vampires.

However, the return of the fangs has not been easy for everyone, especially us TV addicts. First, there were the True Blood vampires, and then came The Vampire Diaries brood, a whole different set of vampires, and this Summer, there are these new vampires in TV Land courtesy of ABC’s The Gates. How are they different from each other? How do we tell them apart? Which show should we devote our heart and soul to?

Luckily for you, I have nothing better to do today so I can devote an hour of my time to help you choose your TV vampires. And here they are, in alphabetical order:

1. True Blood, airs on Sunday at 9 PM on HBO.

You’re going to invite me in so I can protect you. Or have passionate, primal sex with you. Or how about both?” – Eric Northman, True Blood.

Trademarks: Nocturnal, sleeps during the day in coffin/hidey hole/room with no windows, burns in sunlight, is generally sexy and looks really good naked, especially one Eric Northman, some can be quite violent, most don’t really have a conscience. Most have really pale skin, and they live on blood and blood alone, whether it’s real human blood or the synthetic “Tru Blood”. Oh and they also possess “super-speed” and the aforementioned Eric Northman has shown the ability to fly (or at least jump really high). They also can’t get intoxicated or high, which would be a little depressing after they’ve lived for 2,000 years, and could drive them into committing suicide – or what passes as “suicide” in the vampire world. One last thing: if you’ve had their blood, you’re most definitely going to have vivid sex dreams about them, which is totally fine because not only are they generally sexy, apparently they’re also REALLY good in bed.

They usually fall for… blonde waitresses who can read minds. But that’s understandable considering even Snoop Dogg wrote a song about her.

Area of Residence: Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas… mostly in the South.

Enemies: Over-zealous ministers and members of The Fellowship of The Sun churches, Nazi-lovin’ werewolves and sometimes their own kind.

Lovers: Mostly the citizens of Bon Temps, like Sookie Stackhouse, Hoyt Fortenberry and most recently, Tara Thornton. But they have devoted groupies or “Fangbangers” following them around most of the time, from all corners of the world (including one former Playmate from Estonia).

The Good: They’re so much fun to watch!

The Bad: The women vampires, in exception of Pam and baby Vamp Jessica, are generally annoying.

The Ugly: Their politics are messy and “mid-evil”, and they’re also usually very possessive (see “Soo-keh iz Mine!”), which means you really can’t mess around with them.

2. The Gates, airs on Sunday at 10 PM on ABC.

You did this to me – you made me who I am!” – Claire Radcliffe, The Gates.

Trademarks: Since there are only two episodes of this show so far, and since The Radcliffes (Dylan and Claire) seem to be the only vampires in this gated community, I know very little about them. However, they seem to not be so nocturnal, in the sense that they sleep at night and roam around in daylight for reasons that haven’t been explained. Well, the roaming around in daylight was sort of explained by them lathering on some magical sunscreen lotion in the pilot episode, actually. They look and act like normal people, but like the True Blood vampires, they also possess super-speed and can sort-of fly. Unlike the True Blood vampires however, they like to play house and they also raise a human little girl together. They drink blood, supplied by Dylan Radcliffe’s Biotech Research firm, but sometimes the wife, Claire, slips up and drains a random human that happens to ram his truck into their mailbox. Oh, and they’re British which makes them sexy by default (you gotta love the accent).

They usually fall for… little human girls, but not in that creepy pedophile vampire way, more in the parental way. In the two episodes I’ve seen, it’s apparent that Dylan and Claire Radcliffe try to tame their vampire ways so their adopted human daughter will not be taken away from them.

Area of Residence: A Desperate Housewife-esque gated community somewhere in America.

Enemies: So far, Claire has been blackmailed by a witch named Devon, who runs a day-spa and makes herbal teas, and the Chief of Police has been sniffing around.

Lovers: One doctor/witch who seems to be supplying them with the magical sunscreen lotion and the clueless neighbor, who happens to be the new Chief of Police’s wife.

The Good: Luke Mably, who plays Dylan Radcliffe, is super hot and British.

The Bad: Not sure how I feel about the walking around in daylight thing…

The Ugly: This couple is a little depressing for a vampire couple. And depressing vampires are not that fun to watch.

3. Vampire Diaries, on hiatus, but will return on Sept 9 at 8 PM on The CW.

I do believe in killing the messenger. Know why? It sends a message.” – Damon Salvatore, Vampire Diaries.

Trademarks: They don’t really sleep, but they can’t walk around in daylight either, unless the special few who wear the special and magical lapis lazuli rings on their fingers. They also possess super-speed and strength, but the strength and speed all depend on the blood they drink. In other words, to be a strong vampire you gotta drink human blood, and a lot of it. They’re mostly violent, devoid of conscience and sexy, but there are one or two, like Stefan Salvatore, who’s not so fun and a little depressing because he grew a conscience and lamented his non-human state. Oh and they can drink and get really, super drunk too. They’re not that pale, but pale enough, and if you’re killed after ingesting their blood, you’ll wake up a vampire like them. Which makes turning into one pretty damn easy, if you ask me. Oh and there’s this super high-pitch frequency that incapacitate them and if you burn them, they’ll surely die.

They usually fall for… Beautiful brunettes who are the spitting image of the evil vampire they fell for a hundred years ago when they were still humans.

Area of Residence: Mystic Falls, Virginia and the surrounding areas, it seems.

Enemies: The founding members of Mystic Falls, and their subsequent offspring, also, their own kind.

Lovers: The adopted daughter of The Gilbert Family, one of the founding families, and the son of the Gilbert family as well. Actually, almost everyone in the Gilbert Family has had some love affair with vampires. Oh, and random fangbangers here and there, as well as a few generation of witches. But they’re not really lovers, they’re just indebted to the vampires.

The Good: It’s a great alternative to True Blood in the Fall, because it has enough sex and violence to tide us over until Summer rolls around again.

The Bad: It’s in The CW, so even though it’s violent and sexy enough for their target demo, it’s not as much fun as True Blood.

The Ugly: The fans are rabid, much like Twilight fans, thus making it embarrassing to admit that we actually like and watch this show.

So who are your choice of vampires?


Binky Bee

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